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English Jokes

Below you will find some English jokes - some are more funny than others! Click on one and have a laugh! If you know of any not on the list, contact us!
Image Title Context
A dinner date A man and his girlfriend were out to dinner one night. The waiter tells them the nights special
A memory problem Two elderly couples were enjoying a friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "F
A misunderstanding This man was pulled over for driving through a red traffic light. When the policeman checked the
A nervous flyer A man is sitting in the economy section of a flight from New York to London biting his fingernail
A photography problem "Doctor, Doctor My little boy has just swallowed a roll of film!"
"Hmm. Lets hope nothing
Betty Sue A man is reading his newspaper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of th
A problem with spots "Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots?"
"I never make rash promises!"
Airline food It was mealtime during a trip on a small airline.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight atte
Memory loss "Doctor, Doctor Ive lost my memory!"
"When did this happen?"
"When did what happen?"
Anti-men joke no.1 Question : Why are married women heavier than single women? Answer : Single
Bad boys Two brothers were always getting into trouble in their neighbourhood. The people in the neighbour
Cheese Question : What do you call cheese that belongs to someone else? Answer : N
Curtain complaint "Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains."
"Well pull yourself together then."
An eating disorder A man walks into the Doctors with an apple in one ear, a banana in the other ear and grapes up hi
Highway patrol Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees
I dont want to go to school Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. Its time to go to school!
In the theatre When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in the movie theatre, he walked over an
A loss of memory Three old ladies are sitting in a restaurant, chatting about various things.
One lady says,
Pain everywhere A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the do
Problems with pronunciation "Doctor, I cant pronounce my Fs, Ts and Hs." "Well you cant say fairer than that the
Punctuation Its all in the punctuation:
An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man i
The aeroplane One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are all sitting down, waiting
The bear Two men are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them. They climb a tree, but the b
The boss and the secretary A boss and his secretary are standing outside their building. The boss is late for a meeting and
The businessmans accident One day in New York City, a banker was driving his new Jaguar down the streets. He parked it and
The cats There are two cats trying to cross a river. One of them is English, and is called One, Two Three
The depressed man There was a guy in a bar, just looking at his drink. He stayed like that for half an hour. Then,
The desert Why can you never starve in the desert? Because of all the sand which is there!
The doctor Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, you might
The firing squad Theres an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman in North Africa. Theyve all run away from the
The good driver A man was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the off
The graveyard Why are there always high walls around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!!!<
The gullible father "Mummy, what does the owner do to a car when it gets too old and rusty to work?" The little girl
The invisible man A psychiatrists secretary went into her bosss office.

Secretary: "Sir, some
Whats the difference… Whats the difference between a photocopier and the flu?
One makes facsimiles; the other ma
The lottery winner A woman gets home, runs into her house, slams the door and shouts, "Honey, pack your bags
The magic bottles There were 3 friends stranded in an island. Exploring the island, the 3 men found a bottle so the
The pirate A sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns telling each other about their adventures a
The policeman and the old woman A policeman is driving along the road when suddenly he sees a woman driving and knitting at the s
The pony A pony walks into a bar and asks, "Bartender, may I have a drink?"
The bartender says, "Wh
The psychiatrist A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine then threw t
The robber Late one night a robber wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well dressed man and stuck a
The sea Question : What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? Answer : A ne
The secret of long life A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldnt help noticing
The skeleton and the pub A skeleton walks into a bar, and says "I want a beer and a mop."
The suicide-proof building There are two men in a bar. After drinking about 10 pints of beer each, they are both very, very
The talking machine A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The barman gives him his drink, accompanied
The theatre tickets A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon. After two weeks they came back and f
The ventriloquist A ventriloquist is working in a local town and during his show a local stands up and yells, "Hey
The vet A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dogs sick" he says. "Is there anything you ca
The wrong choice A mother was anxiously waiting for her daughters plane. She had just come back from a far away l
What do you call… What do you call a man who cant stand? Neil.
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